i already hear my dad disowning me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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