i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
