I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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