I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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