I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
