whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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