well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
