I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
