When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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