The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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