i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I touched a dick in church today
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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