We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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