I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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