you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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