I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize