Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
