I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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