So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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