New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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