if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
