my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Your penis caused this!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
