aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
