Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
