good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize