I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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