I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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