Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
