I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
