Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
