I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
