She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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