Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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