You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize