I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize