i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
