I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
