And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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