I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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