Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
