C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
