her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize