I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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