38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
