Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Is it because I queefed?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
