Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize