Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize