It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
