i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
