Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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