dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
