Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
