Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
