I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
