You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
